Competitive Defuse sucks. Play Demolition plz?

  • Published on Wednesday, 21 September 2016
  • In the Member Blogging Category

Don't plant the bomb in Competitive Defuse like a lewzer. You don't want to be a lewzer, right?

I think I have a problem. I’ve always had trouble with complying with the hottest social trends and instead opt for unpopular alternatives, and that’s no different in gaming - particularly Counter Strike.

Many moons ago, in Counter Strike: Source, I dragged my clan minions through the orangey, cube-cluttered war zones of aim_texture. In more recent memory my soldiers were subjected to the relentlessly monotonous Arms Race in Global Offensive, in which you race through 20 weapons in the space of 1 minute and 48 seconds, and then spend the following 15 minutes aimlessly stabbing the air with a knife in futile bid to level up.

In both future classics, and indeed all Counter Strike instalments, neither of these modes were considered cool. Defuse was cool though – very cool, and still is.

I’ll get to the point: everybody loves cool competitive defuse mode in Global Offensive, but I don’t. I’ve even launched an online forum devoted to pouring molten hot lava of hate on competitive mode and all its blind followers. It’s garnered 2 million members. It’s unstoppable. You can join the rebellion too – sign up at:

Okay, I lied, there’s no forum. But there’s no lie in my disgust for competitive mode, and I’ll tell you why. Lock and load.

It takes too long.

A typical competitive defuse match can pack up to 30 rounds into a single game. Each round can take an agonising 2 minutes – that’s a whopping 120,000 milliseconds. I’m feeling exhausted already. Take into account the pre-round freeze time and post-round celebratory gunfire, that adds up to around 2 minutes 20 seconds.

Uhh… what’s 30 × 2 minutes and 20 seconds? I, uhh, was an underachieving nobody at maths in school, but it’s a long time for one game. It’s a long time to wait for some XP and a battle-scarred MP7 at the end.

The only kid I willfully receive orders from is my 2-year-old niece.

The next generation of online gamers have graduated from the school of being an utter shithead, have arrived in GO and have collectively assigned themselves Captain, Leader, Sergeant and Admiral Cuntface. I am, of course, talking about the players still sucking dummies at age 13.

Teenagers (and even pre-teens) saturate the GO community – especially in competitive mode, and they tend to think they’re in-charge and know best. They attempt to create order, give their team mates certain roles to fit their pleasing, criticise quite literally everything. You get the picture.

I know best, kids. I know best. Now sit there and shaddap. Unless you need to be changed…

If things go south, you cannot cleanly walk away.

We all have bad days and nobody likes losing in a game. Put these two together and you conjure up one miserable mouse clicker.

Normally you’d smash the ESC key, furiously click the ‘Quit Game’ option and storm out of the game, reassuring yourself that despite everything, you’re still the biggest badass in FPS gaming. And that the opponents you left behind were jerks for owning you. In competitive mode – and indeed any match-making game, walking off comes at a price: no XP rewarded and another recorded loss against your alias.

XP is the bread and butter of the modern day die-hard gamer. You need your XP fill to function.

Advantage comes with studying. Studying’s no fun.

The hottest, most talented, world-class CS:GO factions learn every inch of defuse maps to gain the edge against their opponents. What to do before tossing a smoke grenade. Where to toss a smoke grenade. When to toss a smoke grenade. What to do after tossing a smoke grenade. It’s all calculated. Every move matters to secure the most efficient victory.

That is so fucking boring.

I appreciate strategy and encourage teamwork fuelled by logic. But I didn’t study for my high school exams and I turned out okay by just ‘winging it’.

But seriously, I find the most intense games to be the ones thrown repeatedly upside-down and shaken up – not games that are essentially scripted with both teams following the same formulas. Unpredictability makes for the best gaming experiences, the best frag movies, and the best stories.

Convinced? Good – now join a Demolition lobby.

I think I’ve made my point. Well, I don’t know – you may furiously whack your German sausage like a chimp on crack cocaine at the thought of spending hours being commanded by a kid while following the same formula over and over.

Not to worry – I’m praying for you.

I much prefer Demolition mode. It’s bomb plant/defuse, but limited to a maximum of 20 rounds and played in smaller versions of the competitive maps we’ve grown up with (e.g. Short Dust, Short Train, etc). Nobody really takes it seriously, so it’s absent of all those pesky skilled, top-tier people in FG, NaP, R2N, W… C… T… Are these real clans? I dunno.

Give it a try! You won’t be disappointed.

Written by throzeN!`

Excessive Forces Founder and Clan Leader

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